Bullying

Tackling bullying

Information for parents and carers

How do I know if my child is being bullied?

There are many changes in behaviour which could indicate that your child is being bullied. You might not see any physical injuries but there can be changes in mood, attitude or behaviour. Signs you can look for in your child include:

being frightened of walking to or from school
not wanting to go to school and developing unidentifiable illnesses like a stomach ache
begging you to drive or walk with them to school
doing poorly in their school work or dropping out of activities and clubs
coming home with clothes or books damaged or destroyed, or with possessions “missing”
becoming withdrawn
stopping eating
talking about killing themselves
crying themselves to sleep or having nightmares
having unexplained bruises, scratches, cuts
refusing to say what’s wrong
becoming more reclusive.

What should I do if I think my child is being bullied?

Talk to them calmly. Gently ask about what has happened, who was involved, where and when the bullying took place.
Be prepared to listen and be patient. Your child may need some time to gain the courage to tell you. They might be frightened to tell you the truth for fear of retaliation so try to make it as easy as possible for them to talk to you.
If they can’t talk to you is there someone else they trust? (such as ChildLine, where they can choose to be anonymous)
The important thing is that they begin to talk to somebody about their worries.
If you think that bullying is taking place, keep a log of events.
Look at different ways of supporting your child and enlist help where possible ( e.g from their school. )
If you are worried you can also talk to your G.P. who can offer advice on health issues.
Try to support your child in building up their self-esteem. Joining a sports club or taking martial arts classes can give them confidence.
Take your child to the local library. Each library has a parent's collection containing useful materials for both children and parents regarding bullying and how to deal with it. It could be used to help your child understand and cope with what is happening to them. There will also be adult guidance about spotting bullying in the first place.
Children and adults can also access a whole range of websites offering support and advice. Computers are available in libraries. A number of these websites are bookmarked on children's pcs.
Agree with your child what to do next. You may need to persuade them that to ensure their safety you will have to pass the information to their school or the police.

What will my child’s school do?

Every school has a behaviour or an anti-bullying policy which you can ask to see. The school will listen to you and take your concerns seriously
They may ask you to monitor the situation and keep a log of incidents. Staff will also keep a record of incidents
If the incident is serious, you will be asked to attend a meeting to discuss the problem
If necessary the police will be consulted
The bullying behaviour or threats of bullying must be investigated and the bullying stopped quickly so a variety of strategies will be employed to help the bully or bullies change their behaviour

What if my child is bullying others?

It can be very difficult to tell, particularly if your child denies it, but look for the following:

They have access to more money than usual
Their views may change radically. They may openly express negative comments and feelings about individual people or groups, such as making racist or homophobic insults. This may be reflected in graffiti around the house, on books and on paper
They have new or different belongings that you didn’t buy and they use unlikely reasons for having them
You notice that young people are over generous towards your child because they are frightened not to be their friend
They become more secretive.

What should I do?

Bullying is bad for the recipient and can have serious long term consequences for the perpetrator. Young people who bully may think that violence and aggression is a way to get what they want. They may fail to learn alternative strategies such as being able to form helpful, co-operative relationships and become violent and disruptive. If your child is bullying others the police could become involved. Bullying is not acceptable and if it is not addressed could have serious consequences for your child later on in their relationships at home and at work.

If you think your child is involved in bullying:

Talk to them calmly. Ask what happened, who was involved, where and when. They may deny it or try to justify it. Be prepared to listen and be patient. Avoid making judgements. Your child may need to gain the courage to tell you.
If they can’t talk to you is there someone else they trust? The important thing is that they begin to talk to somebody about their behaviour.
If you think they are bullying, keep a log of events to discuss with your child. This needs to be done supportively.
Look at different ways that your child can be supported and enlist help, where possible.
Talk to your child about the possible outcomes of bullying. Use incidents that have been in the news recently as examples. Remember to include what happened to the bully as well as the person being bullied. It is important that they are aware that the police could be involved at any time with their behaviour.
Encourage them to see how their behaviour is affecting the other person and how it may feel. Developing empathy and understanding can help bring about change without asking for it.
Go to the school and explain your concerns. The school will take your concern seriously and work with you to address the problems.

Where can I get further help?

If the bullying is occurring on journeys to and from school the Police have advice and strategies for young people to use: 'A Streetwise Guide to Coping with Bullying' is at www.met.police.uk/youth/bullying.htm

Contacts in Barnet Council

Education Psychology Service
Email: phillipa.cooper@barnet.gov.uk
(020) 8359 7664

Education Welfare Team
(020) 8359 7698

Parent Partnership
Email: parent.partnership@barnet.gov.uk
(020) 8359 7694

Inclusive Education Team
(020) 8359 7699

Children, young people and families